quote of today

Much to Dustin's delight and surprise, the very next day I agreed to go with him and his youth group to a revival he'd been pestering me about for weeks. There were sermons, and giant video screens showing people witnessing and weeping, and a Christian rock star who wailed over some electric guitars about his love for Jesus while everyone swayed and clapped. There were hymns, and frequent altar calls, in which people made their way down the aisles to the stage and let the minister lay his hands on their heads and whisper something mysterious in their ears. They'd nod, their eyes closed, their faces suffused with joy. Through all this, I could feel Dustin watching me from his seat beside my own. "What did you think of that?" he'd ask, during every break after a sermon or a witnessing or a song. He'd search my face, hoping for a sign the songs and the video were working.

"It was okay." I'd shrug, even though my traitorous heart swelled and yearned when three hundred voices sang, "Nearer, My God, to Thee," and Dustin's face would collapse with disappointment. During the last altar call, I could feel his hope and excitement overwhelming him. He took my hand and squeezed it hard, and though I could feel his eyes trained on my face I wouldn't look at him. He wanted so badly for me to kneel in front of the stage. He wanted me to cry.

- The Myth of You and Me, Leah Stewart

Does this sound like anyone else's youth? I was definitely Dustin. I would take friends to youth rallies, hoping that the speaker would be able to tell them what I was too scared to. It was SO melodramatic, too. It was life-and-death if I couldn't get my friend to accept Christ THAT night. I would watch them, looking for a sign that they were ready to repent of their sins, to "turn or burn."

While I still believe that a choice to believe in Christ is a life-or-death decision, I also know that these things happen in their own time - God's time - and that I need to be praying for these friends of mine, not just taking them to youth rallies where they can hear a toned-down version of a hellfire and brimstone sermon.

upgrades and downloads

So, my Christmas was wonderful...Lots of time with family, lounging about, great presents...though I probably didn't spend enough time celebrating the REAL reason for Christmas. It's hard to do when the materialistic spirit of Christmas starts floating through the air.

ANYWAY...the irony of my presents: my new 30GB video iPod can't hold very much because my PC only has a 15GB hard drive! It's a little hard to put more music on my iPod when my computer says that I have reached my limit. I think I have something like 100MB left.

So, new dilemma...

• Rebuild my existing PC with Pentium 4 processor, larger hard drive, and a DVD burner.
  
  
• Buy a new PC with all of the above, at least.
  
  
• Buy a new laptop because they're great...and portable.
  
  
• Buy a Mac. Because it's a cult and they're drawing me in. (I am so not kidding here.)

All of my Mac friends are quietly chanting "Buy a Mac. Buy a Mac. Buy a Mac." Yes, I understand that you *heart* your Mac. That nothing, save burning at the stake (and, for some, not even then), would make you change back to a PC. But is it the right choice for me???

Yes, I edit pictures. (My biggest feat so far? Taking Brooklyn out of a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge.) Yes, I do other multimedia-type stuff. Yes, I already own an iPod. Yes, I LOVE iTunes!

BUT...Even Mac owners will admit that word-processing is better on a PC. And I am a writer/editor! Unless I become interested in newspaper & magazine layout, all the best programs are PC-based.

And I already know how to get around a PC pretty darn well. I mean, I've been on a PC since I was around eight years old. I taught myself DOS when my stepdad would bring home a state-of-the-art Compaq "portable computer". I'm a big fan on keyboard shortcuts, which I don't know on Macs.

BUT Apple.com has the list of 10 reasons why you should own a Mac. #1 is that they don't crash. Amen to that. Another reason is because they are totally compatible with PCs. Reason #7 is "Join the Party." (or should we say cult?)

What to do, what to do...that's too heavy a question for this late at night.

very interesting

I think this is because the best quote ever is: "If you really wanted to screw me up, you should have gotten to me earlier!" If you haven't seen this John Cusack movie, go out and rent it (no - buy it) today!

Your Life is Like

High Fidelity

What John Cusack movie are you?

where have I been???

Yeah, it's been a while. I got busy, trying to get ready to go to London for Thanksgiving, then I stayed busy when I got back...and now I'm busy, getting ready for my next trip - to see Rachel in Indy! I'm excited because it's been reunion-central for me. First, I went to see Katie & Josh in Dallas; 2 weeks later, I saw Missa & Joel in London (and Missa's great parents, too); and now I'm off to see Rachel!!! Now I just need to go to Ohio and see my dad & sister, and I'll be pretty much set. At least for now. :o)

Before I procrastinate any more, here's the blog I've been writing in my head all week:

Anyone who's close to me probably already knows that I struggle with depression, and that there are lots of times that I don't win that struggle. I look back over the past couple years, and there is so much I would have done differently if I hadn't been sunk so deeply into my depression. When I finally realized that I wasn't a "loner" at heart and that I didn't have to use the excuse that "this is how I am", I surprised myself by finding Bethany again. Who would've guessed it would take me so long - I mean, my mom's a psychiatric nurse practitioner, for goodness' sake!

Anyway...this past year or so, I've bounced in and out of depression several times. Each time is a little shorter on the down-side; I figure out faster and faster that I AM depressed and that something needs to change. The things I think are behind my depression: my headaches (chronic pain does not make anyone happy); chemical stuff (I don't know much, but I do know that medicine has its place); life (the ups and downs of life create the ups and downs of my mood).

Stop there for a second. I think adrenaline--or lack of, really--is behind a lot of my depression. I get depressed after big things happen: after I started my wonderful new job, when I graduated last December, during/after that incredibly stressful job with NYLF last summer. And I could feel it coming on again after my trip to London. It didn't help that my jaunt to the Continent ended with such a bang as I made mad dashed through the London and Newark airports to catch planes. (I missed my direct flight from London to Houston on that Sunday, and I spent the rest of the day frantically trying to get home. Doesn't that sound like a Bethany moment?)

BUT adrenaline isn't all. My relationship with God is an enormous part of whether or not I'm depressed. And I have to confess that my relationship with God is pretty up-and-down, just like my mood. It's so easy to get out of the habit of having a "quiet time", and it always coincides with my descent into depression. But, like I said earlier, I'm getting faster and faster at catching myself. Praise the Lord, after a VERY brief detour downwards, I am on the right track again!

On Sunday, I made it all the way to the church parking lot, but I sat there, thinking that I really didn't want to go in. And if I felt so strongly that I shouldn't go, why force myself? So I came back home, curled up on the swing in the backyard, and read my Bible. I needed the alone time with Him. Instead of going through the motions of church, like I probably would have done, I just opened my Bible and let Him speak to me.

And let me tell you, He did! I have never felt more clearly that God was speaking to me through the Word. Ephesians talks all about God's grace, and how our salvation isn't based on us at all, but on God's mercy and His love. Listen to Ephesians 4:16-20 in the Message:

"I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit - not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength - that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all Christians the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, to the fullness of God.
God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."

The key for me right now is to live fully, like the passage is saying. To experience Christ's love - how wide, long, deep and high it is! My strength isn't mine; instead, I need to get my strength from God, even if I have to ask for that strength every minute of the day. And God will do things I couldn't even imagine!

And here's my challenge in Ephesians 4:1-3:

"I want you to get out there and walk--better yet, run!-on the road God called you to travel. I don't want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don't want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline--not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences." (emphasis mine)

That's the challenge God has given me: to walk with Him steadily, not in fits and starts like I have been. I pray that I can pour myself out, be alert to notice differences, and quick to mend my fences.

Thanks for reading and letting me share my heart.
Bethany