Monday, July 18, 2005

My name is Bethany, I am a follower of Jesus Christ...

…and I suffer from codependency.

The fact that I am codependent makes me a great employee. I am so eager to please, for everyone to like me and what I have done, that I practically kill myself to get the job done right and done well. I think I have an over-inflated sense of importance, so no matter how minute the task, I spend forever on it to make it perfect. That makes me a great editor, but it does NOT make me sane.

And then there are moments when pleasing other people is the farthest thing from my mind. I don’t want to do anything for anyone, and I am good at making that quite clear. (This happens the most at home.)

Those two sides are fighting desperately against each other right now. I just got back from a delightful, relaxing birthday weekend, and I do not want to have the same sense of urgency about my job that I have had for the past couple of weeks – heck, the last couple of MONTHS. I am struggling very hard against that disapproving face that my boss can wear, when I know perfectly well that even if I did everything right (which I have to admit, there has been little to complain about when it comes to my work), she would still wear that face.

I have figured out (and why did this take me so long!) that I am earning way less than the other people working at the forum because I work longer hours AND I have been working through our breaks. But here I have sat in this office all day long, working on various unimportant projects, waiting for her to return so I could talk about the important stuff. And here I still sit, at 8:30 on Monday evening. My stomach is in freaking KNOTS because I am so tired of working with her, on her terms and none of my own. And because the moment we sit down, she will remember the one project that I have not done today and get upset about it.

You remember how I was talking about how cool she was about the hospital visit that I didn’t finish planning? I think I am now dealing with the effects of that. I am no longer perfect, which I do not wish to be, but everything I do is under scrutiny, and I feel like it’s never good enough. And to talk about the hospital visit do you want to know how many times I went to her because I didnt know what I was doing? I have never even been inside that hospital, let alone worked there for 12 years and know most of the doctors we are trying to coordinate with! I tried to pass it to her I even tried to dump the thing altogether! Instead, somehow its my fault and responsibility that things were left until the last minute, when she could obviously see how I was struggling with this task.

Are there positives? Of course. It does pay well, in a sense – in no other job could I work for a month and get paid as much right now…I’m just working my butt off for the money. The people here ARE really nice. I’ve enjoyed socializing with them, even when they’re not easy to work with…At the moment, that’s about it.

Guys, please pray for me. I feel caught in this situation, and I know I cannot get out until after the conferences are completed. No matter how much I would love to just walk out, Im not that kind of person to leave everyone in a lurch like that. Please pray that I deal fairly with those I work with, and that I DO a good job here. And that I can keep my head on straight! I want to have fun for the next couple of weeks, but I also have a lot of work to do.

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